Tonight, a new client going through an unwanted divorce texted me that she had “crashed,” as she called it, back into beating herself up over the way she had handled a phone conversation with her husband who left her suddenly about 2 months ago. She was sure she had driven him further away–NOT the outcome she wants. She texted me:“By crash, I meant a deep sadness. Been a few days since the last one. Had a shitty convo with my X last night because of my stupid begging. So I’m just letting myself feel the regret for a bit.”
I wrote back…..
“Holding yourself in a place where you see the images and feel the pain of regret–almost like your punishment for the ‘wrong’ way you showed up–is terrorizing the innocent, well-meaning part of you that is always DOING THE BEST YOU CAN..It’s like harshly screaming at, beating, or abandoning a child for crying, or because they can’t walk or talk or read yet. We simply CANNOT function beyond the level of our own evolution. It is our own cruel criticism and abandonment of ourselves that is causing the pain, not another’s reaction to us.
“When we do our half-hour check-in, I can show you how to stop ‘REGRET HELL’ and find your innocence in just a moment–it’s right there if you look back at what you were believing when you acted ‘That Way’ and you’ll also find what I call the Spark of Love beneath it. Hard to believe, I know, but you then can move past this pain quickly if you look at what you fear, and admit that you can’t truly know what outcome would be ‘best’ in the grand scheme of things. Finally, you’ll find how your route to happiness lies in giving yourself what you want from him. WOW–I’m realizing that what I just described is not only what I do, It’s actually the ‘3 Steps to Reversing Regret” PDF that I recently published! Very Cool. You’ll have a cheat sheet next time it happens.”
It’s a deeply ingrained and yet misguided habit of mind when we lament that something is GONE, or something didn’t or wont’ turn out the way we want, and we truly believe we have ‘only ourselves to blame.’ I know it well–regret practically ran my life. SO PAINFUL AND STUCK. I see people dealing with deep soul-crushing regret EVERY day, and then watch them find their way out before my eyes as together we really take a look and follow these 3 steps. SO COMPASSIONATE AND FREEING.
I would love to hear from you below about whether beating yourself up is a regular feature of your existence. More and more I ask folks, “Imagine your worst case scenario coming true, What is the WORST part of it?” They always find that the worst part would be what they are doing to themselves in their head when they blame themselves or believe things ‘should have’ gone differently! Then they realize they are already doing it–the cruel, gut-wrenching treatment we dole out on our most tender, well-meaning, selves who simply acted out of the hope of something better for themselves or another. The outcomes we all fear are not as bad as what we are already doing to ourselves when we believe in a dark future and hold oursevles solely responsible.
SO if you want to try these 3 steps, just CLICK HERE OR THE DIAGRAM BELOW TO DOWNLOAD THE COLORFUL FREE PDF to use the next time you plunge into regret hell! (And call me if you want extra support with it–the PDF comes with my scheduler or just pick up the phone 1-301-785-0545).
My Own Tour of Regret Hell–Part II I had Promised You DISAPPEARED!
The funny thing is that, right after that, I came home to finally send out the second half of the piece I wrote about my happy reconciliation within myself after my confusion around my earlier religious upbringing, and my giving my life to LIFE, as I understood Jesus to be telling us was the best way we can give it to God–trust the unfolding. I had written what I thought was a truly soulful second half of that–all written that same Easter night with lots of continuity and clarity around what I understand SIN to be (separating from all-that-is by believing/worshiping our own thoughts–Ie letting our monkey minds play ‘God’–and then acting out of the dysfunction of their grossly limited programming that interprets, judges, and fears what is happening to us).
I was excited to go back and read it to see what genius thing had poured through my fingers that night, and to send it out to you! BUT ALAS!!! In posting the first half, I had pasted the final draft back into my original word document, and apparently I had over-written the original piece I was about to post to you! OOOOPS!!!!
I’ve shared before what a queen of REGRET HELL and ‘should have’ that I was in my ‘former life’ (before I knew how to safely question my thinking). I was so happy to share my shortcuts to this welcome recovery that I just developed a PDF and Ebook about how to undo that painful state and experience the freedom from it that I now have on an daily basis. Except TONIGHT, when suddenly I was not at all free from regret. How amazing it is that we always teach what we need to learn, so LIFE had to show me where I could still go into regret.
Loosing things like photos and original writing and once-in-a-lifetime chances to do or say something used to be my worst triggers into regret and grieving, and I found this one followed suit! I lamented that I could not BEGIN to reconstruct that piece, and felt a void or sadness I couldn’t easily dismiss. So I actually used the steps in my PDF–which not only cured REGRET for me but it’s evil twin hold-overs, Self-Doubt and Indecision (which I will talk about in my Ebook coming out very soon!).
I won’t go into it here…. but my regular practice using these 3 simple steps allowed me to have faith that what DID emerge from not having that article would be even better. And it was, just because that is where I’m going in my work anyway, and what I want to share with you!
A double rainbow came out as a symbol of what happens when we let some sun shine through our dark places. It is not just the sun that makes the rainbow–it is the sun shining through the moisture on a backdrop of dark clouds–both are needed. And it inspired me to write this post, and to state for the first time that I’ve got a new weekly webinar coming up in the Summer called “FLIP THE PAIN: Radical, Reliable Relief in the Face of Loss or Break-UP.”
Loving you, and please accept my apology for not being able to produce Part II of the article that so many of you liked. If you didn’t get a chance to read it, click here to go directly to it:
PS–After you’ve requested the Wheel of Self-Love download, here is the link to PART I about my spiritual journey in case you missed it.